A very extended family.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when my bonus kid’s mom teaches them they don’t have any other siblings or family besides her and them. I am married to their father. I have kid’s. We are not just some fling. I wish she would just accept that the kids have step family. My bio kids have 5 half siblings that were removed from their parents care and placed woth family. My kids and I are close with them all. Therefore, when my husband and I married , he and my bonus kid’s also became close. My bonus kid’s call them their sisters and brothers and their foster mom is Aunt Tori. The kids all are young and have a blast playing with each other. It drives Marie insane that they talk about the other half siblings. She hates that they love their Aunt Tori so much. I find it sad mostly that she doesn’t have family like we do so she’s jealous and lashes out. I wish she could see the joy in the kids when they get to have fun and play with each other. It does no one any good to convince the kids that they aren’t their family. Harper and Aaron love their bonus siblings and know no different even when their mom tries to teach them they aren’t their family. I have raised my bio kids that family is not just blood. It’s about who you love and who you chose to have in your life. It is rare nowadays to find a completely nuclear family. They are blended in some sort and way. I help coparent with Tori for her kids and she does the same with me. Our kids know it as normal and we are one big happy family. Our kids all love each other and know they don’t have the same parents and it doesn’t bother them one bit I wish more people would see it that way and nor judge or be jealous.

Days like this make me want to cry

First off, let me apologize for not posting the last few days. As you can imagine, life is hectic when you have teens and toddlers. Tonight was transition night.. if I had to rate them, tonight was probably the worst so far. Upsetting to say the least but also confirming and eye opening. Backstory.. last few pick ups for the twins, Aaron has been sad and tearful. One might think oh that’s normal for a toddler at transition. Normally I would agree but neither of the kids have been like that since around january.. they are normally happy to see me and their dad, even on days that they haven’t napped and are cranky. I couldn’t quote put my finger on it but I knew somthing was going on.. well you add in the phrases that Aarom has been repeating from his mom’s house and the nightmares every night for both the twins and I figured there was some alienation occuring. Little did I know how blaten it was until today. As I walked down to get the kids from their mom and grandmother, Aaron asked where his dad was. I have been doing Transition to avoid any interactions between their mom and my husband because of false alligations she has made.. Tonight Aarons grandma turned to him and responded with,” I dont know why your dad never comes to get you anymore. ” let’s just say that lit a fire under me. I turned to the kids grandma and said ,”you need to shut you mouth. “She looked at me shocked and said,” excuse me?”. I look her dead in her face and said,” that is parental allienation, knock it off.” Both the kids mom and grandma both argued with me that it was not. I told them they were incorrect and I suggest they do some research. In the midst of this conversation, the kids were already in the process of grabbing my hand to walk away. The kids grandma proceeded to pick Aaron back up, wrapping his hand out of mine and showering him with kisses and hugs and telling him how much she would miss him. In unison, Marie picked Harper back up, also wrapping her hand from mine and doing the same with her. After 3 solid minutes of this love bombing, they proceeded to let the kids leave with me. I honestly was in shock at how blaten it all was. Standing there in the middle of the police department parking lot, they alienated and love bombed these kids right in front of me. I kept my composure and turned to walk away when Marie asked why my husband was not there for transition. I simply stated because of your false alligations. Marie then responded with,” they aren’t false,”. I told her this was not the time nor the place for this conversation in front of the kids and turned and walked back towards our vehicle. The twins and I paused to jump in some mud puddles and laugh before loading into the car. My husband promptly received a message from Marie that read,” if you are physically able to do transition then you must do it. Proxies are only for if your physically unable to be there.” This is not what the parenting plan states in actuality and his response to her was exactly this. Now, here is my mindset. She makes false alligationd against him yet she wants him to be in her presence. If she is afraid and feels “unsafe” around him then why would she want him there? This had been a continuous issue for her. Since the beginning of their separation he had always had someone with him at transition to witness and that’s for his security given that she had always made up lies about him. She had always complained about him having someone accompany him. Since my husband and I have been together, I have been the one who attends and I usually sit in the car and listen in to ensure everything is OK. Since the last time the kids came over repeating that their mom was telling them daddy hits her and me, we decided that we would not leave any chance for contact on any level in person for her to make that claim and that we would be able to say to the kids, daddy hasn’t been around Marie so that’s not possible. So we could squash any lies she was telling them. Therefore, I have been doing transition while he sits in the car. Now any normal person would think, if someone was abusive to you and your scared of them, why would you push to be alone with them so much? Why would you risk putting yourself in that position? This is precisely precisely evidence that shows how manipulative Marie is and

My two roles

I am a bio mom to 3 amazing kiddos. Ages 19, almost 18 and 16. My bio kids and I lived and survived abuse endured at the hands of their bio father. We have learned over the years that abuse takes many forms and it changes you. This change does not have to be a negative impact on your life. Just because negative things have occurred, doesn’t mean it is negative your entire life. You can make two choices as a victim of abuse. You can chose to wallow in it and use your victim state to manipulate and get by as their father has continued to do. Or, you can become a survivor and let it be your motivation for change and to end the cycle. My children endure horrendous abuse at the hands of their father and at times, I couldn’t believe they still kept going. Had it not been for them, I would have probably made some bad choices to seek justice for them. In the midst of their abuse, I was filled with a fierce anger. But my steadfast determination to stay strong and support my kids is what kept me grounded and helped them get thru it all. Now as my kids have grown up and I’ve seen the paths they have chosen for themselves, it makes me proud as a mother. It also makes me want to fight harder to recognize the signs I missed in them for my bonus kid’s. I fight hard to keep a watchful eye and document all the red flags I see. Some days it makes me extremely sad because I see what’s beginning for them. I know the tough path they are are headed down. In a perfect world, I could afford an attorney to fight better and protect them. But for now, I have to take solace in knowing that my steadfast love and patience for them and what they are going thru, will sustain them. It will make a difference. I know this because my bio kids tell me that’s what made the difference for them. I will continue every day pushing them to make good choices and making sure they know I’m here and

Psychological impact

For many families, separation is hard on everyone involved. The kids, both parents and the extended family. This manifests in different way for different people. My bio kids and I are lifers when it comes to therapy. We have spent years benefitting from services. Sometimes as parents we don’t know exactly how to help our kids through tough times. When it comes to split parent homes this is especially true if you haven’t dealt with it before. I see the toll it takes on my husband and my step kids navigating this new path. The exhaustion and fear my husband has is hard to watch and I try to be honest with him about coping skills I’ve learned along the way. I see the little signed in my step kids that they are screaming for help but don’t know what to do or how to ask. In moderation, their behaviors may appear to others as normal. But from past experience, I see the severity it has and the warning signs it poses. I try to be patient and understanding as I have walked this road with my own bio kids and know what it requires to help their fragile minds. The benefits of play therapy are extremely beneficial for young children. It teaches them through play how to find their voices and learn to cope with all of the emotions in their little brains. When my husband and I brought this idea of therapy for my bonus kid’s to their bio mom, it was emediatly rejected and we were told their behaviors were age and stage appropriate on what planet is it normal for a 2 year old to bite themselves, pull their own hair out and scream inconsolable for hours on hand? How is nightly screaming nightmares of someone hurting them normal? In moderation maybe. But daily, no way is that normal. How can you deny your child a chance to be successful and help them be happy when they clearly are screaming for help? One that doesn’t want the parental allienation documented is what I can deduce. I can’t fathom who would think its okay for their young child to harm themselves. As their step mom, I vowed to protect, love and nurture them and I will fight tooth and nail to do so. I will continue to advocate for them and their mental health, even if it’s from home with the skills I’ve learned in my path with my own kids. I can only hope that they will see the love and stability we provide them and will be a guiding

Parental allientation

Today is parental allientation awareness day. Not a lot of people truly understand what this means. It’s IS abuse in the most terrible form. It mentally twists a young mind into confusion and leaves them with guilt that lasts a lifetime. People often talk about the more obvious displays of alienation but what they don’t talk about are the little things. When your child is leaving for their other parents home and you shower them with love and continuously say how much you will miss them and you wish they could stay or didn’t have to go.It teaches your child to feel bad about leaving you to go to the other parent and causes a rift between them and the other parent. They worry that you will be sad while they leave. It teaches them they are hurting you by loving the other parent. When your child calls you and cried when you have to say goodbye, you tell them your sorry. That teaches them they are doing somthing wrong by having to stay there and not be with you on the phone. Why tell them your sorry. They should love and want to be with their other parent. These little things cause such heartache and confusion to the little minds. Stop playing the games with these fragile minds. Nourish and encourage their love for the other parent. Just because you don’t like their other parent doesn’t mean they can’t love and like them. They grow up feeling guilt guilt your vengeance and ruining their relationship with the other parent because of your feelings. Hype your kids up about transition days. Show them they can go and be happy with their other parent and your happy they get to.

Transition anxiety

Today is transition day for the bonus kids. Transition days are always a day of mixed feelings. Excitement and anticipation to see the kiddos again. With a sense of anxiety because we never know how they will be when we get them. Will they be happy an excited to see us? Or will they be in a mood because of the “pep” talk they get from Gigi before they are handed over to us. Will the be sick again for the trillionth time or will they be well and happy? Will they be excited to share their week at school with us or will they repeat all the negative things they have heard about us all week? Will this weekend be spent trying to explain that what they have heard isn’t true and they shouldn’t be told that or will we get to enjoy spending time with them? Will they have angry tantrums of confusion or will they be their happy bubbly selves? Regardless of what comes after transition time, we make a conscious effort to love them and treasure them and make sure they know how much we love them. Because in all honesty, we don’t don’t ow what kind of damage has been done all week and when it will take a more severe toll on them as they get older. We try to enjoy the time we have with them. Even thru all of the arguments and fights that

Why is coparenting so hard to comprehend?

I honestly don’t understand why it is so hard for people to coparent. When you have a child and chose to no longer be in a relationship with the other parent(no matter the reason) you then forfeit your right to be involved 24/7 with your child. Your child will now have time with you and time with with other parent. You will have to share responsibilities for the child and communicate to make decisions for that child. Even if you can not stand the other parent, you have to put that aside and do what you need to do to make sure your child is taken care of. Put your personal hatred and feelings on the back burner and put your child’s needs first. Go to the school events and daycare parties and celebrate with your child. Respect the other parent at these events. Set an example for your child on how they should treat the other parent of their child in their future. Teach them how to respectfully exist in the presence of others they disagree with. Teach your child how to expect to be treated by others no matter the difference in opinion. Show your child that although you and their other parents no longer chose to he together, it is perfectly acceptable for them to love and want to he will both their parents. Teach your child that they can love themselves and that they were created out of love, regardless of the fact that their parents are no longer together. For the love of God, STOP teaching your child to hate a part of themselves because they came from both of your and when you shiw them how mich you hate their other parent, it teaches them to hate part of who they are and where they came from.

Just when you think it can’t get crazier

Yesterday was a day if true revelations for me and my husband. Although we already knew that Marie had a serious control issue when it comes to the kids and hinged on mentally unstable. I was honestly still shocked by the ridiculousness of the conversation. So, my husband messaged Marie on the app we use to coparent. Told her that we were coming to the daycare to get their daughters glasses to have them repaired the next morning. We were bringing another pair she has so she would not be left without her proper Eyewear. Marie proceeds to tell my husband that he can not enter the building or interact with the kids because it is her parenting time. (Marie works in the 1 yr old class at the daycare) my husband told Marie that he was bringing the glasses to exchange them and that the kids were in daycare and not under her care. Daycare is considered educational which means he has every right to enter the daycare if he wants. Marie then had the audacity to tell my husband that if he had any interaction with the kids when he came to bring their daughter her glasses, that he would have to reimburse her for the parenting time he took. Here’s my issue with this, they aren’t under her care and in a daycare so it is educational which he is entitled to. For two, he is ensuring their child has proper working eyewear and she made it all about her and her time. She would rather their child have broken eye wear than allow him to come and bring her replacements. Just because she can’t handle him having any extra time around the kids. So she would rather neglect their daughters need for eyewear than allow him contact for 5 minutes.. Then as ridiculous as this situation already is, Marie proceeded to pull the kids out of daycare early that day and leave work early to avoid allowing my husband to exchange the glasses. This speaks volumes to us on what she prioritizes when it comes to the kids. When my husband called the daycare to let them know he would be coming by, he was informed that she was leaving with the kids. When my husband was informed of this, he contacted Marie and said he would not be coming by to exchange the glasses and would reschedule the appointment because he did not want to upset the kids by having to explain they could not come with him and he did not feel it would be appropriate to have to reimburse Marie for the short time he was providing medical devices to his child. He also asked that because she was leaving work early and would have more time in the day, could he please have a short video call with the kids. Marie then proceeded to accuse him of stalking her and told him that she and the kids were busy and did not have time for a video call. So, in one day Marie has chosen to violate 3 areas of the legal parenting plan my husband and her have. 1-Refusal to be involved in maintaining health of his child.2- refusing him access to their education and facility of education. 3-refusal of telephone access. As well she made accusations and derogatory statements which are counter productive to coparenting. This is the norm unfortunatly. How is this suppose to work as the kids get older. Will she refuse to allow dad at school events because it’s her time? How vindictive can you be to not allow the other parent to provide your child with proper eyewear because you can’t handle them being around your child for more than the time “you” allow.? You would sarafice your child’s wellbeing for your own selfish control? Then add the paranoia of accusing dad of stalking her. Not once has my husband done anything remotely vindictive, controlling or abusive to this woman and she continuously makes these accusations

Parenting plan gone bad

For months I kept telling my husband, just wait till we have a court order, she (marie)will hang herself with all the games she plays. Having dealt with numerous witholding the children, denying contact, refusing to communicate and coparent, a child abuseninvestigation on mom, I really hoped the court order would make her(marie) shape up and start actually thinking about the best interest of her kids. Boy was that a big misconception! From the day we left court and they (husband and marie) attested on record to the paternity action and parenting an was in the kids best interest, the extended reign of hell began to worsen. Mind you, pretrial conference/mediation resulted in my husband being backed into a corner and basically told to settle with the parenting plan terms that she (marie) had put in the petition. So, now goes the daily struggles with getting her(marie) to follow the parenting and communicate and coparent with us. The first visit scheduled with dad began the start. Mom (marie) said that my husband had to drive to pick the kids up from daycare or he couldn’t have them. We had to remind her that meeting at daycare occurs whenever possible, otherwise it is done at the local pd between the parents homes. After being told we bullied her into meeting at the pd, she showed up. This was the first of almost every week argument argument where the kids were going to be transitioned at. Not sure exactly why she doesn’t seem to get that the court order is what is law and must be abided by unless BOTH parents agree otherwise. We keep telling her to talk to her attorney or have someone read the plan if she doesn’t understand it. Usually results in dad being called a bully, intimidating her(marie) or not putting the kids best interest first. Maybe one day she will understand what’s written in the plan for transitions but until then, dads response to every arguement about transition will be,” follow the parenting plan”.

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started